I always used to be jealous of happy people. People that smiled and meant it. I used to hate them, or at least I thought I hated them, what I really hated was myself.
Suffering from depression has probably been one of the worst experiences of my life. I know it will never go away, not fully but managing it and overcoming it has turned out to be quite the eye opener. At my worst I would not wash, I wouldn't eat or I wouldn't stop eating, I wouldn't leave my house unless absolutely necessary (the worse my depression got, the worse my anxiety got, I developed agoraphobia for a while) I did the bare minimum to survive and cried myself to sleep at night. I constantly thought about suicide but knew I'd never actually act upon it. Some days I felt like life was moving in slow motion and I was just watching it go by, other times I felt like I was drowning in a sea of black. I thought I would never feel happiness again. Life seemed like a chore and I didn't feel like doing it.
I should probably mention that I did all that whilst looking after my two daughters. That's right I have two daughters. I've not spoke much about them as, well to be honest, I was ashamed of what happened. It's taken me a while to be able to admit this but I feel I am now at a place where I can. I was not a good mother. Not at that time in my life. Due to this, the girls moved in with their father and still live with him now.
I still see the girls when I can, which when you're unemployed and don't drive is quite difficult but it has been getting a bit easier working out a routine thanks to lovely friends. When it first happened (the girls moving out) I felt freed in a way. Unfortunately I used this freedom in the wrong way and turned to alcohol. I've always used it as a bit of a crutch. If something went wrong I'd drink to make myself feel better (I feel I should state that I never ever drank around the girls!) Combined with my destructive thoughts, I wasn't the best me I could be.
I don't know when or what made it happen but something finally clicked in my head. Positivity would get me through this! I had had enough of living off shite food, being too sore to even go for a walk let alone get some proper exercise done or play with my kids. I was sick of waking up in the foulest mood ever and it only getting worse throughout the day. I wanted to live again, I wanted to feel alive and do something!
That's exactly what I'm doing now. I wake up in the mornings ready to take on the day. I look forward to exercise as I know I am bettering my body and I enjoy preparing proper foods instead of just phoning my local takeaways. It disgusts me when I think about what I used to eat. I see the good in things now and I'm not waiting for something to go wrong. Positive thinking is ruling my life now and I am totally letting it. I still haven't fully forgiven myself with what happened with the girls but I will one day.
The girls will continue to live with their father for now but who knows what the future will bring. I am quite terrified of them growing up hating me because of what happened but if that happens, I suppose I will just have to deal with it and build bridges as best I can. I can't go back and change what happened but I can make the future better for all of us. I still panic slightly when the girls come to mine for the weekend, I panic in case I slip into old habits or start letting the destructive me take over but I soon get rid of it and just think about how happy the girls will be to see me and how happy I am to see them.
I'd love for the girls to be living with me again full time but I have no idea when or indeed if that will happen. I like to think it will one day.
I should probably take the time to apologise to anyone that was affected by my depression in the past and a massive thank you to those who are helping me fight my way to the top even now!
This is probably the most personal post I've ever written and I hope people don't use it as an excuse to attack me. Believe me, I've done enough of that myself in the past.
It does get better but it's a fight you have to be willing to fight.
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